Harry Show

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our diet

It's now Day 4 of P90X, and I guess we haven't been as successful in updating this blog daily as we planned. But don't worry. We've been incredibly successful in getting ripped. Our original idea was to keep track of our diet on this blog so that you, the reader, could follow in our footsteps. I'll give you a food synopsis of the last four days. Day 1, I almost vomited cause all I ate was sardines. Later that day, me and Judd ate a lot of good healthy mexican food and had 2-for-1 margaritas at La Hacienda on Nolensville Pike. The next day me and Judd ate a lot of eggs and spinach and some more sardines. Then I feel like we ate some ice cream at some point, and maybe that was the night we ate beans and rice. And yesterday, I ate some yogurt and some more sardines and some more eggs. And it was Margaret's birthday so I ate some birthday cake and had a couple birthday shots of tequila. I think Judd had a Big Lebowski party, so he probably had caucasians for dinner. Thus far, our results have been great, so feel free to follow our plan explicitly.

We haven't really read the diet guide that came with the P90X system, but I'm guessing that Tony Horton would be proud. The true champion of the past few days has been our whey protein recovery drink which we mix with tap water and ice. It tastes great and makes you feel like you're engaging in some kind of illegal doping.

As to the actual P90X program, I assure you that the program's goal of confusing my muscles has been successful. My body is so confused. We did yoga yesterday, and I've never felt more like a Native American. We did about a hundred upward and downward dogs and a few sun god and warrior dog poses. And even though me and Judd have always been more the power-lifting/gym rat types, we both discovered that we have a lot to learn from the way Indians dance. The journey to the human heart really does begin with a single step.

Anyway, more P90X is on its way. We'll keep you updated. Irregularly.

the internet age and your body

So it's official (depending on whether Judd submits his blog before mine), but me and Judd are switching the emphasis of this blog away from the mind and putting the spotlight right onto our bodies. That's right. P90X. Those people that know us know that me and Judd have always had a passion for getting freaking ripped. We've been talking about it for a couple days at least. Well today is our big opportunity. We've been measuring out the amount of water we're allotted and figuring out a good diet plan that works for us. And we bought some kind of powder that you mix into something else that's supposed to do something.

Let me just reiterate something. P90X. For those of you who don't know what this is, take the stick of butter out of your mouth and google P90X. It's literally the only proven way to get freaking ripped, and that's exactly why me and Judd are doing it, because we aren't really risk takers, especially when it comes to our bodies. Those of you who know our bodies can testify that we don't take risks. So when we decided to get freaking ripped a couple days ago, it was our only natural choice.

Speaking of natural choices, a lot of people have written in and asked about the unnatural supplements we've decided to try. Namely, whey protein (pronounced like the Wii gaming console). Well, we haven't actually tried it. There's a narrow window of opportunity right after a workout where your body is literally primed for unnatural supplements and we're going to try it after we workout, which will happen whenever Maggie gets over here to take our before and after photos.

We'll try to keep you updated on the changes our bodies undergo. I'm sure it'll be intense.

Time to bring it

Cultural renewal starts with the individual. That's why Paul and I have decided to grow some 8 packs. That's right, we're getting ripped, and you can track our progress right here.

The program we chose is P90X, a 90 day low impact routine relying on natural exercises like push ups, sit ups, and pull ups. Anything ups. Lest you think it child's play, it's actually quite an intense work out. I know, because in the intro DVD, our P90X trainer/guide used the word "intense" 21 times. And I have no option but to trust him. After all, he has my abs in his hands.

After our abs and other muscular fibers like bi and tri ceps, forearms, gluts, maximus', pex, and forheads are perfected, we'll be able to implement the change our moral fiber wishes for. There's a wide range of social problems we will take on with our newfound physical prowess such as swimming to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico and tightening the leaky oil valve down there once and for all, patrolling the U.S. border and detaining illegal immigrants, rebuilding the Brooklyn Dodgers stadium, and dancing.

It's truly an exciting time to be getting jacked. Come with us on a journey. A journey that will last 90 days (Unless I move out of town in a few weeks, which is likely). A journey that will change our bodies. See the bodies that will change the world. See the world that will be changed by the bodies, our bodies.

...and now we speak of Julia

I rented my first red box dvd ever last night. Late, I know. What can I say, I love my traditions, even one as ephemeral as patronizing Blockbuster on a movie night. Anyway, it was Julie and Julia. Here’s what I thought

The first review I read was in Time a few months ago. Its general take was Merryl Streep, playing Julia Child, knocked the role out of the park, but Amy Adams, playing Julie Powell, didn’t do a great job and was a bit annoying. I heard this from a few people too. I take issue with that slant. I enjoyed Adams as Julie, a cute-as-a-button 30 year old migrant from Brooklyn to low-rent Queens who sits in a cubicle all day, answering calls for a company dealing with 9/11 fallout. She’s never finished anything she’s started. Her friend even features her in an article profiling 30-year-old NYC urbanites with disappointing innovative-urban-professional output. But she does love cooking, and her hero is Julia Child, so she decides to cook all 524 recipes from Child's French cookbook in 365 days and blog each day about it. Adams played well – not amazingly, but well - the shy, insecure, and ambitious Julie without distracting from the story.

The film alternates between scenes of Child in late '40s Paris, learning how to master French cuisine, then writing her famous cook-book for Americans, to our other present day Julie, slaving away in her cramped Queens kitchen, writing her blog, and gradually ascending to popularity in the blogosophere (and in reality).

Merryl Streep's performance was grating. The movie felt like two and half hours. It was only two, and I think it was due to her. Her realistic portrayal of Child, especially those high pitched throaty “ooooooooooos”, played out more like a caricature. I’m sure her performance wasn't over-the-top in the method acting sense, since Child was a bit of a loon, but it came off over-the-top, almost unreal, on screen. Streep's focus was superficial - she attempted to be the icon of Child. But icons are windows to the spiritual, and I didn't see any soul. Adams however played the role of Julie in a way that drew me into the story more than to her character. She was composed and contained and most importantly, served the story.

I guess Streep was method acting? Let’s talk about that for a minute. Something tells me method acting is a disordered approach to the art. It seems when performing that way, an actor is trying to portray his character as realistically as possible so he becomes completely believable to the viewer. The actor tries to adopt all mannerisms, voice, dress, twitches, appearance, and even soul of the character they’re playing. Paradoxically, I find such performances distracting. I will focus on how intense and accurate that one actor is which throws the others off balance. But a movie must be considered as an organic whole, involving many actors with many lines in many scenes. If one actor is out of balance they will affect the others no doubt. Moreover, a person is an organic whole, actors included. Completely reinventing yourself for each new movie seems like a recipe for schizophrenia. I recall Jack Nicholson deriding the method recently, for what it’s worth. Method acting also comes off as egotistical and inward focused, at the expense of the overall arc of the story. I guess its sort of eye-candy for audiences to watch, but ultimately its story that compels and inspires, not accuracy.

Most of the actors I enjoy don’t change markedly from movie to movie: George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, John Malkovich, Matt Damon, to name a few. Evidence that self-annihilation is not required for acting.

Other notes on the movie: lots of disgusting mouth noises, especially in the beginning. The subplot of Julie and Julia’s supportive husbands was refreshing and un-Hollywood. Both J’s exclaimed “bon appetite” too many times. I don’t think if was even cute the first time really. It’s a true story.

Now I want to make beouf bourginon. I told my mom this, and she said it was all the rage in the 60s in Long Island due to Child’s book. So the movie didn’t sell me on method acting, but it did make me hungry and willing to cook something French. There’s merit in that alone.

Hight and Tight

Meet Jason Botos:

This fine Northumbrian specimen was caught driving drunk. He also critically injured 3 people in the incident. On the day of his court appearance he showed up completely shmammered. He couldn't even get out of the car by himself. Don't worry though, he wasn't driving. His dad was. I wish I could've heard the conversation that morning:

Dad.

What?

Can you drive me to court again? I got another DUI the other night as well as hurting some people real bad like.

Drive yourself.

I can't.

Why?

I'm completely shmammered.

Alright Jason Botos. I'd do anything for you. You have flaming red hair and matching mustache. And you're my son. Let's head down to the court house and show em what for.

I know that's what they said cuz I was there that morning. Really.

Needless to say the civil authorities were highly disappointed at Jason's blood alcohol level, and he may get as much as 18 months in jail.

Good work Jason Botos.

Health Care Bear

The health care debate is all the rage these days [emphasis on rage]. It’s a complex issue. As the Dude would say: “There are a lot of ins-and-outs. A lot of what-have-yous”. But I’m going to steer clear of the complexities and attempt to get to the heart of the matter. Because as Adam Duritz would say: “It’s the heart that matters…” Ok, no more references. I promise (I think).

So the Obama administration and the Democrat party want universal health care for all U.S. citizens. What’s the real meaning behind this intention? It’s that health care is a natural right, and our government is going to pass legislation because it recognizes this right. Question begged: is health care a natural right? Answer proffered: nay.

Our rights are self-evident and stem from being creatures, not citizens. Of course we enjoy some rights as U.S. citizens that some citizens of China do not, but that’s just because the U.S. has done a better job of ordering law to nature. Just because a law exists in a land, does not mean that law is just. For instance in China there’s a limit on how many children a woman can bear. This is unjust and should be challenged. But there are also just laws in China such as the unlawfulness of stealing. This law should be respected. But anyhow, in the words of Walter (the Dude’s partner in justice): “The Chinaman is not the issue here Dude!” Sorry, I had to.

Why is universal health care not a right and hence an unjust law? I think there are a couple of reasons. First, it’s a service, and services cost money. It’s that simple. You are responsible for procuring the services you want, not the government. A government that pays for its citizens’ commodities infringes on liberty and contributes to a slothful nation. Second, even if the ends were just the means Obama proposes to use are not. I watched the press conference where Obama first announced his intention to pass universal health care. Of course this would cost trillions of dollars, so where does this money come from? He said through streamlining the existing industry and through taxes. Silliness alert! The government, after expanding into the health care industry, is going to make the process more efficient and save money through doing so? Someone please give me some precedent for this? This over-haul will only expand the government. And more government means more inefficiency. Then there are taxes (which there is precedent for). What Obama means by “paying for health care through taxes” is through taxing the rich, the government will provide health care for the poor. But the government and the poor do not have a right to a rich person’s money. As a Christian I believe in tithing and works of charity, but that must be from an individual’s own volition. You know you’re in a totalitarian state when your government performs your works of charity for you.

Though it seems as difficult to pass as a kidney stone, Obama and friends are still trying to move this health care bear of a bill. They’ve already tried a number of times and failed, but hey, forcing an unjust law on society should be a difficult process. Here’s to hoping that stone stays put.

War On Fat

photo contest winner at peopleofwalmart.com

I actually made it through the whole State of The Union address a few weeks ago. Especially with the recent election of Scott Brown, I was interested to see how the President would address his failing health. care. bill. clinton. uh...anyway, a highlight for me was the announcement of the First Lady’s war on fat. She’s calling it the “Let’s Move” initiative. Someone should make a dance called the “Let’s Move” so you can support the cause and stay in shape while yer at it!

Of course I understand obesity is undesirable and there’s nothing wrong with recognizing it as such. That being said, I don’t think this plan to reverse obesity will work, not that Michelle Obama isn’t capable. Those prominently displayed, ample biceps never fail to impress.

But why is the First Lady the one leading the charge, and not Harry Reid? I think its because she’s a mom.

You see, it was Mom who taught me about eating moderately, and eating well. (Aside: another reason why big families rule – overeating is not an option). Mom made me go outside and play. Mom taught me tv was usually a waste of time.

And in this new war on fat you have an icon of a mom in Mrs. Obama. But she’s a Mommycrat. She’s not really your mom. She won’t really be able to make you go outside and exercise. She won’t really be able to make you eat right. It’s just that she has millions of taxpayer dollars and lots of bureaucrats at her disposal.

She’s calling obesity an epidemic. The military just said it was a threat to national security, since many of the new recruits are overweight. But you cannot fix obesity from the White House. Their job description does not include telling me what to eat and when to take a jog. One must have a degree of will power to get fit and stay fit. Revised lunch menus at public schools and psas encouraging healthy living will not fix the problem, which starts in the home. Parents are the ones who need to instill these values in their children.

I wish “Let’s Move” the best of luck, but by the looks of things, Michelle has already done a good job keeping herself, her two kids and hubby in shape, which is to her credit. In five years from now when America hasn’t moved too much, she’ll have still done her job. Unfortunately she may have expanded the government that much more. Now if they could only apply “Let’s Move” to federal and state bureaucracies – I wouldn’t mind seeing their waistlines trimmed a bit.

Women who look like old aliens.

As a follow up to the last post, and just so the ladies don't feel left out, here are some weird pictures of women. I'm sure I'll end up talking about women's fashion because it's hilarious, but I think most of these photos speak for themselves.

Men who look like old lesbians.

People have been looking like women for millennia. And sometimes, those people have actually been women. But every once in a while those people are men, and when that happens gosh it's funny. Which is why a blog like men who look like old lesbians exists.

It's an odd form of humor, maybe better classified as "high school" humor, the type of humor that makes people laugh when someone farts or when they fall down, or when they fall down and then fart. It is unexpected, something engrained in the vast majority of the population that tells us that men probably shouldn't look like women. They should probably look like men. And when that doesn't happen we laugh. Or I guess that's why we laugh. All I know for sure is that a lot of people laugh. And that strikes me as some kind of plot.

I know that through the ages, artists have idealized the feminine form, even when that form is actually a man, and maybe not a lot has changed. The most fashionable men I know here in Nashville actually wear a lot of women's clothes, and the men on the old lesbians website aren't normal Joes. They're guys that have in most cases spent a lot of time and money cultivating this look that trends towards femininity (hence, their inclusion on that website).

I've been told that the movie Fight Club is about the emasculation of the modern man, something the main character, Tyler Durden, blames on the fact that "we're a generation of men raised by women." The movie portrays men pitted against the reality of a cultural shift that seems to induce a loss of identity and gender. Masculinity is lost, and the characters of the movie rage against this vacuum by pursuing stereotypes of hyper-masculinity.

The men who look like old lesbians site isn't a whole lot different, though it provokes a response of laughter rather than beating the crap out of each other. In either case, we see picture of a culture that is wrestling with gender roles and norms when the reigning wisdom states that Equality supersedes any conversation about the differences between the sexes. And so our culture trends us towards one sex, a slightly feminized, slightly masculinized person (and keeps us from using male/female pronouns in general applications).

Anyway, maybe we're just creating a new male archetype, men who look like old lesbians. Which begs the question of discovering the men and women who love the men who look like old lesbians. What do they look like? Either way, I'm sure lesbians have enough stereotypes to fight without men jumping in and ruining everything.

fan the pickle

Is it possible this pickle, so green, so bumpy, so simple, could gain more fans on facebook than the Canadian rock outfit Nickleback, so Canadian, so Canadian, so Canadian? When I saw my little brother join the facebook fanpage I immediately joined as well. Though I enjoy breaking into Nickleback vox-stylings and chord progressions in the middle of band practice, the goal there is to be obnoxious. There's nothing I'd like to see more than a victorious pickle. Apparently someone's already making t-shirts in honor of our little pickle-who-could, who, as I write has 788,365 fans. There's also an opposition "crush the pickle" fan page that has 12 fans. Good luck with that. Here's a sampling of fan posts in support of pickle:

I #@*&ing hate pickles but the pickle gets my vote

Pickle is Awesome !!!!!!!!!!!!

Will somebody please auto tune this pickle?!

The amazing thing is that this page gains, on average, 100 fans a minute. Nothing against the pickle's talents but I believe this is a reactionary cause. People really hate Nickleback that much. And really, it's hard not to with lyrics like:

I want a brand new house

On an episode of Cribs

And a bathroom I can play baseball in

And a king size tub big enough

For ten plus me

That nugget comes from "Rockstar". I hope he's attempting irony. But one wonders if the band is capable of it. And either way, whenever you hear that voice...Ahhh...the voice! Talk about nuggets. It sounds like he's eternally forcing one out the rear.

But the band has been subject to ridicule before so I'm sure they're used to it. Take this video mash up of a screeching rooster and one of they're kool music vids for instance.

So join the revolution now! Be a part of this cultural movement. People are saying something. Something like: we know there's a lot of music out there and a lot of it's bad, but it shouldn't be THIS bad.

fan the pickle.